I'm just...incredibly glad it's the weekend. I haven't been this tired in...well, I don't even know. Not the kind where you need sleep, but the state of mind where you just need to sit down and do whatever. Nothing, perhaps. Tonight, in other words, in going to be full of self-indulgence.

Or...not. It's my sister Samantha's eigth birthday so we are having a family "do", with a fancy meal and dessert cooked by yours truly and a cake (from the supermarket, ssh!). And of course the presents. I don't mind of course, it is a special day for her, but really I just want to sit here and blob.

I got back the edits for the Jigsaw update and I am hoping to get stuck into those, but it's doubtful it will get done tonight. So, any Jigsaw readers that see this, hang in there, it's coming, I am sorry about this delay. My beta and I have both had a lot on lately, with music for her and fast-approaching external exams in my own life.

I also unfortunately found, while checking my results from internals on the NCEA website, an Achieved on the French conversation. "Hang on," I thought, "that was an Excellence." I went to the teacher and asked, she checked the record book and it was noted as an A. I was politely insistent that it was an E and she checked the actual marking schedule I had received back after the internal and showed it to me the next day. It was an A.

I am, in a nutshell, humiliated. It is entirely my fault. I have obviously gotten very mixed up, since I actually signed off the marking schedule with my result on it when I originally received it. I knew. Apparently, I somehow got mixed up. I feel stupid, but also incredibly annoyed since, if I had realised, I would have grabbed the oppurtunity to resit the internal. I resat my French writing to push my grade up to an Excellence. Of course, with three days left of term before study leave and the school rule of no resits post the end of Term Three, there's no way I can. I have accepted this (what else could I do?), but I'm disappointed in myself. I've lost three Excellence credits I was counting on getting and this has really thrown me, both in confidence and knowing what to focus on for the externals to get enough Excellences to gain this level with an overall Excellence.

A small thought, before heading off: sitting on the school bus this afternoon, I saw a young boy as he yelled back to a much older one (they were around the ages of six and sixteen respectively), "Watch it *name*, I'll fucking get you on Monday!" Now, while I do not believe either boy will "get" the other, come Monday, nor do I think the exact wording was required. I know, I swear, but nor am I proud of it. This isn't a rant, this is more a thought. Is that what we've become? Children knowing this language? There are other ways of expressing yourself. I'm more curious than anything, but do you have any thoughts on young children using profanity?

After seeing a post on Twitter from a Mibba friend, in which she said she was drunk and not to tell her mother, I couldn't help but wonder... "Why?" Why do you want to do that? This girl and I are very similar in age, I am a few months older, and yes, neither of us can legally drink, unless under parental supervision (obviously she is not, based on what she said).

Really, I fail to see a point to doing that. I know it's a "teenage thing", to drink. I know a lot of girls at my school do it (and then post photos on Facebook, how smart), but I honestly don't understand why. Do you really get a thrill from it? From doing something illegal? Do you think alcohol is a necessity if you are socialising? Do you just want to get drunk, purely to see what it's like?

Or do you think that having done that makes you a better person? "I'm cool because I was wasted." Really?

This isn't directed solely at my friend. This isn't a full-on rant in which I mindlessly hate on teen drinkers. If you want to make what I consider a dumb choice, you go right ahead. I will not stop you. But this is an entirely open question to anyone who sees this and feels like responding. It isn't just for teenagers, but absolutely anyone.

Personally, I choose not to engage in that behaviour, in any drinking, be it socially, or on my own. I honestly see almost no merits in it. But I am very curious as to why others do, or do not. Care to share?

Thank you for your time.

I've spent almost my entire weekend (it's Sunday afternoon now) typing up my various pieces for my Trinity drama exam (Grade Eight), which is next Friday. (I believe that is the sixth of November, my sister's birthday.) I have two play extracts, from Little Murders, by Jules Feiffer, set in post-Kennedy assassination New York City, as meaningless violence breaks out everywhere. I am taking on the role of Patsy Newquist, the "All-American Girl" in a scene where she attempts to convince her fiance Alfred that it is worth fighting for life and continuing to survive. It's been tricky to turn myself into a character who is so full of life, as this is a rather stark contrast to me. I've also been working on a New York accent - while I do love accents, I was not very proficient at appearing a native New Yorker when I first started out.

My contrasting drama (I have to prevent a serious extract and a humourous one - ironically, Jules Feiffer was a comic strip cartoonist and humourist) is from The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde. I freely admit to feeling more at home in an 1895 play, than a 1960s one. I am playing Gwendolen Fairfax in the scene where Jack attempts to propose marriage, but Gwendolen toys with him. I enjoy the accent, the careful posture and the extreme wit of Mr. Wilde.

I was looking on the Internet last night to get a better idea of what Gwendolen would have worn (I am going to meet an old theatre friend on Monday to see if we can locate a costume for me to borrow) and I found this image of the lady who originally played Gwendolen in the first performance of The Importance of Being Earnest. Note the name, Irene Vanbrugh. Now, look at John Vanbrugh, here. He was an English playwright who wrote in the style of the original comedy of manners, albeit wrote that style a little later than it first came to England. It seems possible to me, that Irene Vanbrugh was a descendant of Sir John. Obviously, I am not basing this on looks, but the surname. Vanbrugh and his wife had two sons together, so the name Vanbrugh would have stayed in existance. It is a source of quiet amusment to me that Irene Vanbrugh acted in a play written in the style of the original comedy of manners when that was the style her possible ancestor wrote in himself!

I am also reciting two poems, a personal favourite of mine, Valentine, by Carol Ann Duffy and The Pied Piper of Hamelin, by Robert Browning. I actually used these poems earlier this year, when sitting my New Zealand Speeh Board exam. They're both fun pieces, in terms of voice modulation and getting to discuss them with the examiner.

Finally, I have a speech on Oscar Wilde. I was restricted in what I could talk about (the Trinity guidlines are very specific, unlike NZSB), but choosing an author from the United Kingdom always gets you bonus points, in my experience.

I am desperately hoping I can pull off my program though, Trinity exams are well-regarded and I hope to sit Diploma and Performance over the next two years, and hopefully, during my first year at university, I will return to my old drama teacher and sit ATCL (Associate of Trinity College, London), which (I think) allows you to teach drama, something I would be interested in doing in the future.

Raw

It’s just a silhouette of a gun

to my head –

only shown in certain light.

 

Skin is torn, worn, slit

Through sheaf after sheaf.

I’m raw to the bone,

But only if I blink my eyes just right.

 

Personality gnawed by onlookers,

Ground down to chalk dust.

Grey – like my sky – on asphalt.

 

Gazes on me are simply rippling wind.

Or maybe not that.

Perhaps just...bittersweet paranoia.

 

No mortician to dig my grave:

That task was completed by I, last week,

while sipping coffee,

and reading the newspaper.

 

In the obituaries,

I arranged for my own notice.

 

But is it even needed?

Can I go,

If I never even existed?


Author's Note: I was actually about to go offline, but then remembered this poem I wrote a while back, but only posted to Mibba. Once I remembered this fact, it refused to leave me alone until I relented and put it up here. That's me for you.

Yes, unfortunately I am sick...again. I don't know what's gone wrong with my immune system, but it certainly isn't co-operating with me. I was a very healthy kid, but suddenly this year, most notably this winter, I have been frequently ill. I woke this morning feeling like crap, ate a light breakfast of yoghurt and five minutes found myself "hugging the ceramic bowl" so to speak.

Unfortunately, this term is the worst possible one to be sick. No matter how ill I had felt, if I could have kept down food, I would have gone to school. I despise taking time off since I desperately need to be in class as we begin our serious NCEA revision. I've been making individual subject lists on my weak and strong areas, the formulae and technical terms to remember and my questions for each teacher, but it's no use if I can't make it to class.

Immune system, you and I are going to have a talk. A long talk all about how much you are irritating me.

Prior to this, I did have a blog (several actually), but I've thinking for a long time about taking them down. I have never posted on them for the benefit of others, more so I had somewhere other than these writing sites to express myself, but then I realised that is simply an action to try and "split myself up", so to speak. I felt a little like I was trying to use these different sites for different areas of me and while this is managable, I felt a bit "off" about it. Not in the sense that I was lying to people, or masking myself, but rather not being completely open. You don't have to be open about everything in your life, but I have no trouble with people knowing my opinions, or debating these opinions.

Consequently, I took down the blogs. I know I could have just not posted on them anymore, but I am of the nature that when I "close a chapter of my life" so to speak, I like it to be finished, not lurking around in my bookmarks, or coming up as a frequently typed URL in my web address bar.

I suppose this means you'll get more posts from me that aren't just fan fiction. I do intend to post more on Mibba though, since I don't use the journals on there a lot (but now they're changing them to "blogs" with notifications for comments and layouts). The notifications are going to be good, but I don't see how this will reduce spam. At least it will be easier to report the spam. (Even though the layouts so far do appear to be of the "ripped-off-LJ" variety....)

This past Labour Day weekend, my family spent a night in Oamaru. I will freely admit that I wasn't so keen to go (hello, lack of Internet), but I also know my hermiting myself away inside isn't the wisest thing to do. The drive (about two hours up the coast) wasn't pleasant, since my younger sisters sang a plethora of irritating songs that my iPod would not quite drown out, but upon arrival, I was feeling alright.

I enjoy the Victorian aspect of areas of Oamaru. I never really engage in period costume activities, but the old buildings made from Oamaru stone and the historical set-up is actually very nice. I found a delightful second-hand bookstore and saw many books I wanted to buy (David and Goliath, some John Grisham novels and one on notable serial killers), but didn't have any money. Mum and Dad weren't inclined to lend me the money on a "I will pay you back as soon as we are in Dunedin" basis, so the books stayed in their box and we moved down to a woman who takes Victorian-esque photographs.

Mum was very keen to get one of my sisters and I, so we donned some Victorian garb (a lovely red dress for me, with gloves, hat, heeled grey shoes and some glasses that do not scream 21st century like mine do) and then came the battle for serious expressions. I found this easy, but my giggling sisters did not. Eventually though, we got the photo taken. I think the result is actually very nice and I definitely enjoyed the experience.

Unfortunately, I developed nasty social anxiety that night, basically from being around people all day with no personal space, but I'm proud to say I kept up a good face throughout dinner and the subsequant visit to see the yellow-eyed penguins come ashore from the sea. Being in social situations is definitely not my strong point. I tend to get out of my comfort zone, panic and retreat back to my hermity ways.

Also, I just found out about the "Kiwi teacher in hot water over naked pics." Seriously? She is being investigated over a personal choice? She's not teaching the kids in the nude, I see no reason to punish her for what are merely her leisure activities. If one day she quits teaching to model full-time, be in clothed or naked, why should we care? She's leaving us alone, we leave her alone. Bob McCoskrie said, "Teachers are role models and having a teacher linked with Penthouse is taking things too far." Really? I don't see any connection between her photographs and her capability to teach. This is just another method of oppression. 

Title: Jigsaw
Pairing: Subtle Frank/Jamia, unwilling Frank/OC
Rating: R
POV: First, Frank
Summary: Frank Iero couldn’t have predicted it. He was living his dream life, without any major problems. It was perfect; it was beautiful, until he was unexpectedly thrown into a living hell. Frank is about to discover what it takes to break a human beyond repair. He will become the powerless victim in a game of sadistic torture, with his life and sanity on the line.
Disclaimer: The events depicted in the following piece of work are completely fictitious. Even though similarities with the members of My Chemical Romance, or other public personas may be found they are in no way implying that any of the events or character traits are true. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance and am in no way affiliated to them. The story itself is completely untrue and is in no way meant to reflect the private lives, actual practices, or activities of any persons named. No harm, libel or disrespect is intended. No statements whatsoever and no commercial gain are made out of the work archived here; this is simply for entertainment purposes.

Beta credit to sunshines_rain

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