It didn't go so well. It was an hour's drive, since we both live half an hour out from the city, but in opposite directions.

When the girl opened the door she laughed at me. I asked her what was so funny and she said, "I can't believe you came."

"Yeah," I said, "it was really nice of you to invite me."

Then she said, "I can't believe you thought I wanted you to come."

I guess I'm thick because I didn't understand what she meant.

And then she told me it was a joke.

Yeah. She was tricking me. Mocking me.

It's been twenty four hours now. I called Mum to turn around and pick me up and thankfully she was kind and let me sit in the sand with her and cry. I was incredibly hurt, even though I also feel like I should have at least thought of the possibility of this event. I'm no stranger to bullying and so maybe I should have predicted it?

I don't know. Who understands the malicious? What did I do to her?

I couldn't face the Internet last night. My parents were kind enough to give me some time to myself and I tried not to be mopey and pathetic, but at least I got the anger and tears out of the way. Now I feel a bit upset, but also empty. It's as if the party experience took away my fight. My ability to take any action. Or maybe I actually am pathetic enough to not feel now.

Does not feeling make me pathetic? Or is it a self-defence technique? Am I trying to protect myself by blocking it out?

I don't know what's wise, what is right. It just hurts and I don't want it too. I feel like a coward though, even though it was this girl who did it to me. I've just let myself run away home and cry and hide again.

Having just read this article, on the reaction by the Secret Service to Leathermouth's song "I Am Going To Kill The President of the United States of America" (written about George W. Bush from the standpoint of the rest of the world), I felt the need to give my opinion briefly.

I'm a fan of Leathermouth, but my opinion is not based on the idea that boys in bands can do no wrong - there are issues I disagree with them on, however their music is pleasant listening for me.

That aside, the declaration that the song may never be played live again or re-released is an issue for me. Iero and his band are at liberty to play what music they like. The listener is at liberty to interpret it in their own way and form their own opinion.

Obviously a concern for the Secret Service, who visited Iero and questioned both him and his wife at length, is that someone will be provoked by the song into murder. Murder is never the correct path (though self-defence may be), but if someone does this, they have made the choice, not been brainwashed by a song. The blame lies with that person alone.

If Oprah Winfrey put out a song titled "I Am Going To Kill David Letterman" the same would apply. If Tim Finn decided to sing about killing the Prime Minister of New Zealand, that's his choice. Maybe the reasons of these people would not be rational, but you don't have to respect someone's opinion, only the right to hold and express that opinion.

That said, I'm going to sit my History exam now. Freedom in seven hours!

Despite promising myself I would never write an Alternate Universe fan fiction, I've found myself rethinking that lately. I stand by my words that there's not much sense in it - why don't you give your characters different names, alter some physical and mental aspects and hey presto, OCs! How easy! Instead of confining yourself to writing about boys in bands (or whatever fandom you might dabble in). I promised myself I would never write an AU story, but lately I've been considering that.

I do have a lengthy original story that will never go online because I hope (one day) to attempt to get it published. I still edit it and rework it today and will continue to do this as I get more ideas for improvement of the piece, but I also have a bunch of story ideas I've been tossing over.

My current baby and work-in-progress is Jigsaw, a physchological horror in which My Chemical Romance are kidnapped. I am really enjoying writing in first person consistently and it's definitely helped me learn more about Frank (the narrator of this story). I feel that I have also shared a lot more of his pain because of it. While writing the cannabilism scenes I felt a bit sick, but the worst has been how ill I have felt over his emotional turmoil, which is ongoing and heavy. It's surprisng to me, but also a good thing I feel. The more I feel it, the more I am relating to the character.

I have a couple more currently unwritten plot bunnies. A sci-fi piece which is Gerard/Lindsey. I suppose this could almost be an AU, but I console myself with the knowledge that it is set in the 21st Century as we know it...save one detail: a small portion of the human race gained an unusual ability several million years ago as the result of a solar eclipse. This story requires a lot of ongoing research and it might not see the light of day for several months.

The other is essentially the history of MCR, but it's...slash. I wrote slash a long time ago, but stopped when I realised simply that I didn't need it. I wanted stories that were more than just a pairing. I see this as more of a oppurtunity to really explore a character and not just have a relationship that's all about the sex (face it, a lot of fan fiction is like that these days).

We'll see where these ideas go...

Also, ONE MORE EXAM TO GO!

Nothing like another suprise rolling in... I just got a phone call from a girl at school to invite me to a party.

Me. A party.

It's strange, I have no connection to this girl. We've never been friends, never even talked. We are both librarians at school, so I sometimes see her in the library, but really there's nothing between us. At least nothing that normally exists when one receives a party invitation.

I don't know why I said yes. I really don't .I last went out to something that was not directly related to school, my job or the theatre production I am in...well, when? I can't remember. It's been months. So this is very unexpected. I don't know why I agreed. It would have been incredibly rude to turn down the hand of friendship that this might just be, but honestly, I'm terrified. Parties. People. People I don't actually know.

What do I do? Really, this incident has made me realise how little I know about actually connecting with people. I can't discuss things like fashion. Boys. Movies that most people my age enjoy. I know those are some generalisations about what teens like, but do you honestly expect the party to involve a debate about philosophy.

I could bow out. I could just not go. Some other engagement could spring up, but the thing is...I want to try. This is an oppurtunity. This is someone asking me - for whatever bizarre reason - to come to her social gathering. Maybe, just maybe, she cares about me enough to want me to be there.

I'm shaking and scared, but what the hell, I'm going to try this. Maybe it'll never happen again. Maybe she'll uninvite me. Maybe I'm worrying without just cause. I don't know. But it can't really to go and try this whole social thing people thrive on, can it? She's kindly invited me over. Since I shut myself away so much, invitations never come my way. But here she is, doing this for me.

If the above entry suggests the existance of significant turmoil inside me, it's far from inaccurate.

Well, it's relatively early, around half past eight, but my younger sisters have been replaced by brats and are refusing bed. Their preferred alternative is to hang off me as I type this entry now.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my English speech next year. We give one every year, but now I am going through NCEA it is worth three credits. I remember giving the mandatory friendship speech in Year Seven, an anti-smoking speech in Year Eight (and nabbing a first place), a talk on the wonders of Oscar Wilde in Year Nine and speaking about the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement – that talk got me a second place and the school also sent me to the counsellor. I do not support VHEMT, but found them an interesting research topic.

My original thought was that I might speak about NCEA next year. I’d like the opportunity to give my complete opinion on the flawed system and if my classmates have to hear it, instead of shouting me down for once, I shall not be unhappy. The fact that my speech is also for NCEA gives me no bother, but I know a lot of people who would think I was attention-seeking. It might not be the most sensible choice, but I am only expressing my opinion… Any thoughts on the wisdom of that decision?

My other idea is to talk about Objectivism. I know people in my year at school widely consider my opinions ludicrous and I have never had the chance to explain the philosophy to them. I highly doubt I would intrigue anyone, but to get up in front of two dozen other sixteen-year-olds and explain the philosophy I follow would be very exciting for me. The general response when I have previously attempted it was one of negativity.

I am wary again though, of people thinking I just want to rock the boat. I’m smarter than that – smart enough to know that while both speeches would probably earn me good grades, I would never be allowed to compete in the final due to the “controversy” of the topics. I nearly wasn’t allowed to give the VHEMT speech last year, but the staff relented.

Or, you know, I could just be like every other person speak about my pet.

Oh, wait. I don’t have a pet.

Thanks for telling me that NZQA. I love you too.

I've entered freak-out mode. For me, this involves shaking hands, short breaths and muttered curses. I'm positively terrified, mostly about working myself up to panic attack situation on the day and then not answering the questions adequately since I'm so scared. That has happened to me before and it is something I need to work on overcoming.

Environmentalists will not like me tonight. I'm printing out rather a lot of old NCEA exams (mostly French and Chinese, but some English ones too). I am double siding them and reducing the size to fit two pages on one A4 though. I would just sit at the computer desk and answer them, but this chair is actually really uncomfortable for me with my back injury, there's limited space to actually write and I would like to have a hard copy of it.

It's not often I find a song I like to listen to over and over again, one that makes me feel so alive, but I discovered this, just the other night. U2 and Green Day? An interesting and, in this case, effective combination. It's a good take on what was originally done by The Skids.

What did happen recently that I dislike is the Year Thirteen prank. It happens every year, done by the school leavers in the last couple of days of the term. Generally they are a funny little thing, like putting a few teachers on the detention for some "offence" or falsly advertising a mufti day. This year though, the girls went too far. Some of them snuck down to a nearby boys' high school and coated the cars in oil and shaving foam. In retaliation, some boys visited our school and egged the cars of the senior girls. They got caught and all their names were taken down. Of course, they dobbed in the girls from our school, who are now in trouble.

Truth be told, there isn't much that can be done, the girls are on study leave for NCEA now, so the usual suspension won't work. The issue was handed over to the girls' parents to deal with.

A prank is understandable, if it's kept light-hearted, but as soon as it involves the damage of private property, there is a problem. A prank should, in my opinion, be kept in the school and not involve what these girls did. Quite frankly, I am glad they got caught. I hope they do get in trouble. It was stupid. They're not your cars to damage! The boys should have known better than to retaliate, but chiefly, the girls should not have instigated it.

On that note, I retreat to study for French.

I'm just...incredibly glad it's the weekend. I haven't been this tired in...well, I don't even know. Not the kind where you need sleep, but the state of mind where you just need to sit down and do whatever. Nothing, perhaps. Tonight, in other words, in going to be full of self-indulgence.

Or...not. It's my sister Samantha's eigth birthday so we are having a family "do", with a fancy meal and dessert cooked by yours truly and a cake (from the supermarket, ssh!). And of course the presents. I don't mind of course, it is a special day for her, but really I just want to sit here and blob.

I got back the edits for the Jigsaw update and I am hoping to get stuck into those, but it's doubtful it will get done tonight. So, any Jigsaw readers that see this, hang in there, it's coming, I am sorry about this delay. My beta and I have both had a lot on lately, with music for her and fast-approaching external exams in my own life.

I also unfortunately found, while checking my results from internals on the NCEA website, an Achieved on the French conversation. "Hang on," I thought, "that was an Excellence." I went to the teacher and asked, she checked the record book and it was noted as an A. I was politely insistent that it was an E and she checked the actual marking schedule I had received back after the internal and showed it to me the next day. It was an A.

I am, in a nutshell, humiliated. It is entirely my fault. I have obviously gotten very mixed up, since I actually signed off the marking schedule with my result on it when I originally received it. I knew. Apparently, I somehow got mixed up. I feel stupid, but also incredibly annoyed since, if I had realised, I would have grabbed the oppurtunity to resit the internal. I resat my French writing to push my grade up to an Excellence. Of course, with three days left of term before study leave and the school rule of no resits post the end of Term Three, there's no way I can. I have accepted this (what else could I do?), but I'm disappointed in myself. I've lost three Excellence credits I was counting on getting and this has really thrown me, both in confidence and knowing what to focus on for the externals to get enough Excellences to gain this level with an overall Excellence.

A small thought, before heading off: sitting on the school bus this afternoon, I saw a young boy as he yelled back to a much older one (they were around the ages of six and sixteen respectively), "Watch it *name*, I'll fucking get you on Monday!" Now, while I do not believe either boy will "get" the other, come Monday, nor do I think the exact wording was required. I know, I swear, but nor am I proud of it. This isn't a rant, this is more a thought. Is that what we've become? Children knowing this language? There are other ways of expressing yourself. I'm more curious than anything, but do you have any thoughts on young children using profanity?

After seeing a post on Twitter from a Mibba friend, in which she said she was drunk and not to tell her mother, I couldn't help but wonder... "Why?" Why do you want to do that? This girl and I are very similar in age, I am a few months older, and yes, neither of us can legally drink, unless under parental supervision (obviously she is not, based on what she said).

Really, I fail to see a point to doing that. I know it's a "teenage thing", to drink. I know a lot of girls at my school do it (and then post photos on Facebook, how smart), but I honestly don't understand why. Do you really get a thrill from it? From doing something illegal? Do you think alcohol is a necessity if you are socialising? Do you just want to get drunk, purely to see what it's like?

Or do you think that having done that makes you a better person? "I'm cool because I was wasted." Really?

This isn't directed solely at my friend. This isn't a full-on rant in which I mindlessly hate on teen drinkers. If you want to make what I consider a dumb choice, you go right ahead. I will not stop you. But this is an entirely open question to anyone who sees this and feels like responding. It isn't just for teenagers, but absolutely anyone.

Personally, I choose not to engage in that behaviour, in any drinking, be it socially, or on my own. I honestly see almost no merits in it. But I am very curious as to why others do, or do not. Care to share?

Thank you for your time.